10 things I will be doing in the USA

The United States and me, it’s a dangerous love affair. It has been over 2 years since I set foot on sweet American soil, but I know exactly what I will be doing during those 19 blissful days.

1. Visit Walmart

If you set me free in a Walmart Super Center, I will not return to your care for at least 2 hours. I have spent hours upon hours in my life wandering the Walmart isles, marveling at the different flavors of Pop Tarts, browsing the books department, and drooling over maxi bags of Doritos Cool Ranch. Walmart is my Disneyland.

2. Playing Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream in our car

Hitting the road, headed for adventure, with the windows open and the wind brushing your hair against your face – there’s nothing like it. But to me, the ultimate road trip experience is blasting Teenage Dream while heading into the sunset. It instantly causes all my worries to fade.

3. Eating Philly cheese steak sandwiches

When I go on vacation, I’m always excited about trying new foods. But this time, I’m incredibly excited to scoff down a few of those delicious Philly cheese steak sandwiches.

4. Going around Boston saying Bawston

I’m obsessed with hilarious East Coast accents, so I can’t let this one slide. I don’t even refer to Boston the normal way anymore – my friend and I have taken to calling it Bawston in that godawful semi-Irish accent. It’s a problem. We might get beaten up for it. Pray for us.

5. Cursing New York Traffic

Yes, it’s going to suck driving across Washington Bridge and being stuck on Times Square because pedestrians give fuckall about traffic lights. But if I can survive driving into LA at rush hour on a six-lane highway surrounded by monstrous trucks, then I can do this too. It’ll just require lots of patience and horn-abuse.

6. Doing AirBnB for the first time in my life

I’ve stayed at hostels. I’ve stayed at hotels. I’ve stayed at crappy B&Bs. But I’ve never stayed at an AirBnB. I am excited, though, because the places we’ve booked look like little paradises in the city center.

7. Attending a Broadway musical

When in Rome… Well, I’m pretty sure New Yorkers don’t usually go to Broadway musicals, but I sure as hell will. Chicago baby, here I come. Pop, six, squish…

8. Marvelling at the cheap gas prices

Americans might think that $3,40 for a gallon (4L) of gasoline is expensive, but coming from a country where you pay €1,65 for 1L of gas, that’s Walhalla.

9. Going around NYC listening to Empire State of Mind

I’m the idiot who sat at the Eiffel tower and blasted N***as in Paris on my phone. I’m also the loser who listens to California Girls while driving down the coast in LA. Needless to say, I will be that girl who sings random excerpts of Empire State of Mind while wandering around New York. Watch me.

10. Cursing automatic 

Seriously, America, how hard can driving a stick be? Must you really make all rental cars automatic? Don’t be afraid when I accidentally hit the brakes while trying to reach for the non-existent clutch with my right foot. I’m sorry. But really, I’m not. Get your shit together, America.

What are your secret USA pleasures? Please tell me I’m not the only one who wanders around Walmart for a living.

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